Friday, July 13, 2012

Can't take my eyes off of you




Things have been so quiet.  Both here and in life.  Well, I guess quiet in life wouldn't be the word.  I alluded to it earlier, but never said it.  I read all these blogs and see the happiness in family lives and I struggle with what to put, how to say it here.  Because it feels like a massive big failure.  I feel like a failure.  Anyways, I guess I'll just type it.

Since April my husband and I have split up.  Everyone says they are sorry when they find out.  I think their first thought is that he left me.  I get hugs and sad looks.  Then when they find out that I asked for it, I asked him to leave, their eyes light up with surprise.  

I don't know how to describe this feeling.  The feeling of growing apart from someone, or just knowing that where you are is not where you should have ever been.  Him and I have been together nearly 11 years.  That's about a third of our life.  My first ever real relationship.  But I knew right when our daughter was born that it wasn't forever, and I tried to over look it.  To deny it, ignore it.  Everyone knows what happens when you do that.  It gets bigger, stares you in the face when you are unable to sleep at night.  So one night in the car I told him I didn't want to be married anymore.  I cried and cried and he just sat there, like always.  emotionless.  You would think that if someone didn't want something like this, there would be some passion that erupted.  But no.  I got a I don't like it but I'll respect it.  And then 5am the next day he woke me up crying that he was sad.  Nothing else though.  He never fought for us, and he never has.  

I try to figure out what is worse.  Loving someone and not wanting to be with them or loving someone and them not wanting to be with you.  I love him, but ....    always a but and it's things that he cannot change or will not change.

The good thing is that we are friendly.  It's strained but we still do things with our daughter.  Still take her out, still eat together.  We can be in the same room, even hang out.  I see the pain in his face sometimes..

The thing I wonder if do people see the pain in MY face.  Sure I asked for it, sure it's for the best..  But I hurt, I am wounded and I have done things because of that.  

But this ended up way to long.  Way, way to long.

6 comments:

  1. You made a hard decision. I hope that time heals your heart...in a year, you'll look back, amazed that you survived. You will survive! You will find your joy again.

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    1. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Right now Im just having a hard time going to school, which is making everyone in my life get on my case. But I'm tired and I want peace and I just can't get it. Oh well.

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  2. Hm. I thought I had commented already but it seems it didn't post. I came to you through Knitty Gritty Homestead because "can't take my eyes off of you" caught my attention. I love that song. I was divorced and I want you to know that I know how you feel. When a spouse dies, everyone brings casseroles and baking and hugs and sympathy. When someone divorces, the sympathy depends on whose idea it was. If it was yours, the understanding and support is lessened. But it is still like a death. The death of a marriage and a future. And it doesn't matter if it's for the best in the end, it is still very painful and needs to be grieved. Please know that you WILL survive and things WILL get better. The first year is hardest but hang in there. Like Knitty Gritty says (my sister), You will find your joy again.
    Take care.

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    1. Isn't that song breathtaking? If I even hear the end of it, I must find it somewhere and listen to it from begining to end.

      Thank you for the words. Things have been getting easier, not better. But it just takes time I hear.

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  3. You can't forget the good times you had together. There are people that are prefect for each other and for whatever reason it still didn't work out. Relationships are a lot of hard. You may be better of single for a while. Take time out and take care of yourself. Do the things you love.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. There WERE good times. Some really lovely ones. The one thing I will never say is that he isn't a good person. because it's just not true. He's lovely and bright and a good father and a wonderful friend, but for reasons I can never articulate, just not a good mate for me. And that is okay.


      It's been nearly 9 months since we split and still a day doesn't go by where I don't miss him. Miss the normalcy of his smell, the familiarity of his voice. But to a certain extent I know that is normal. 11 years with someone, it's hard to just let them go, even if it is for the best.

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