Friday, July 13, 2012

Can't take my eyes off of you

Things have been so quiet.  Both here and in life.  Well, I guess quiet in life wouldn't be the word.  I alluded to it earlier, but never said it.  I read all these blogs and see the happiness in family lives and I struggle with what to put, how to say it here.  Because it feels like a massive big failure.  I feel like a failure.  Anyways, I guess I'll just type it.

Since April my husband and I have split up.  Everyone says they are sorry when they find out.  I think their first thought is that he left me.  I get hugs and sad looks.  Then when they find out that I asked for it, I asked him to leave, their eyes light up with surprise.  

I don't know how to describe this feeling.  The feeling of growing apart from someone, or just knowing that where you are is not where you should have ever been.  Him and I have been together nearly 11 years.  That's about a third of our life.  My first ever real relationship.  But I knew right when our daughter was born that it wasn't forever, and I tried to over look it.  To deny it, ignore it.  Everyone knows what happens when you do that.  It gets bigger, stares you in the face when you are unable to sleep at night.  So one night in the car I told him I didn't want to be married anymore.  I cried and cried and he just sat there, like always.  emotionless.  You would think that if someone didn't want something like this, there would be some passion that erupted.  But no.  I got a I don't like it but I'll respect it.  And then 5am the next day he woke me up crying that he was sad.  Nothing else though.  He never fought for us, and he never has.  

I try to figure out what is worse.  Loving someone and not wanting to be with them or loving someone and them not wanting to be with you.  I love him, but ....    always a but and it's things that he cannot change or will not change.

The good thing is that we are friendly.  It's strained but we still do things with our daughter.  Still take her out, still eat together.  We can be in the same room, even hang out.  I see the pain in his face sometimes..

The thing I wonder if do people see the pain in MY face.  Sure I asked for it, sure it's for the best..  But I hurt, I am wounded and I have done things because of that.  

But this ended up way to long.  Way, way to long.